when chapters re-opened

i used to ask myself..
if i was doing the right thing
if this is what i should do
if this is the best thing to do...
and when i answered those questions..
tears came and nothing left..

then, it lead me to ponder...
if only i had done the right thing...
if only i knew that was the right thing..
if only i hadn't done it..
and when i came to a conclusion..
anger came and sadness left...

finally,
when i thought the past had gone away..
it haunts back
there goes my little effort...
in pretending that i was okay..

and now...
usually when the past returns,
i'd be all confused and messed up...
but last night, i felt nothing...

the past is who i am today