For you

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

-Eagles, Heart of the Matter-

Farwell and Goodnite

As time gets nearer
it gets harder and harder..
to know that this is really over
to know that you're really gone...

It is hard because you keep appearing in my dreams..
It is hard because everywhere i go reminds me of 'us'
It is hard because you are still within my heart and soul

Leaving here is very hard to do..
my heart is too heavy and it sinks on this part of the land..

=(

then - N.O.W

it has been a month where we walked down the end of our path
and it wasn't easy for the both of us..
but how would i know..
you were always the stronger one

in days you would have already found a new companion
in hours you would have already thrown the past away
in minutes you would have already ignored the best times
in seconds you would have already had forgotten about me

sometimes i wonder what you're up to..
if you are well?
to tell you the truth..
i really do miss you and the times we had together..

BUT
i had finally come to realize that i have wasted 2 years MISSING out LIFE
the life i'm supposed to explore at this point of my days on this earth
and yet i never said i wasted 2 years of my life with someone whom i loved so dearly and cared about..
for that 2 years really was a lesson learnt to be someone better..

everyday i see a brighter day...
i feel like a little child in a candy store..
walking around rows of candies, not knowing which to choose..
it's a whole new phase for me to get back to the top of my happiness and joys

and the best part is that i have my dear heartlings: family and friends..
who is here for me..all the time
who is still wanting to help and had helped me gone through the darkness of my misery

and again..i wondered about you..
you've probably got a new friend..and for sure you've got your antidote
but you know what?..you're still lonely and would never be as happy

WHY?
it's because the both of us know that i have caused myself a great loss
but guess what?.. yours is even GREATER
for someone who would stand by your side..
for someone who would make an enormous sacrifice for you
for someone who would have done everything to satisfy your needs
and for someone would have been disowned by their own flesh and blood..

well, things would have been perfect if that someone shouldn't have LIED for 2 years..
but what great difference would it have made if you had DONE and LIED for 2 years..
so tell me..who is the one who deserved more pain?

Desires

you once told me,
Who is she to decide our relationship?
And i told you it was because you involved her in it...

Now i asked you..
Who is she to make your decision?
And you told me she is the rose of your heart..
That you need to follow what she says is best for you..

Sometimes we make decisions on our own..
and sometimes we take advices from our surroundings..the people we love..our hearts..

But you know sometimes..
We need to follow what our heart wants...desires
and not what our surroundings, the people we love want..
That'll make them happy but not you..

If you follow what you want and not theirs..
You'll be happy..and so will they....

the last chapter

the time you blocked me from all corners,
the moment you shut the door on me,
it made me finally realize that there's no more hope..faith..and love for me to wish upon anymore.
and so you do not need to worry about doing such anymore,
because i've stopped.

what i've said to you just now is what you want to hear but not what i wanted to say.
i've not said everything because words that pour out of my mouth would not register in your mind and would have the least definition in your soul.

even you thought that we were fake from the start,
there weren't anything true..
but i did believe there were..
because i had took a very big step that could cost me my own flesh and blood..
i had given my all..everything which you never did
and i think that is the reason why you're taking this easily.
and you let your anger help you go through this..

my mistakes may be small to me but are very huge for you..
and you couldn't give me another chance..once last chance from you for me to mend..
your mistakes may be small to you but are very deep for me..
and yet i had given you multiple chances...because i love you too much
i love you too much to believe that you will change..that you've changed but you never did
i believed that you appreciated me all this while, but you took that advantage against me..
you can't even be there when i needed you most and it didn't happen once..and so i resorted in calling a friend.
i've put my hopes too high in you to believe that you'd be a better man
i guess i was wrong...
and those are the reasons why i am struggling and you're not

they say home is where the heart is..
family is where the home is..
i have nothing left here for me to hang on..not even my closest friends could help me
and when i go back home..i'm going back the family, and not for anyone else.
from there, i'll try.
i'll start a new life...a new hope..a new faith in myself and in god.

remember when i said you need to change?
do it, do it for the better...do it for yourself..
otherwise, you will never be happy
and,
learn to let go or you'll be in denial for the rest of your life.

Careless Whisper

I feel so unsure
As I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor
As the music dies something in your eyes
Calls to mind a silver screen and now its sad goodbye.

I'm never gonna dance again
guilty feet have got no rhythm
Though it's easy to pretend
I know you're not a fool
I should have known better than to cheat a friend
And waste a chance that I've been given
So I'm never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you

Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind ignorance is kind
There's no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you'll find

Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose this crowd.
Maybe it's better this way
We'd hurt each other with the things we want to say.
We could have been so good together
We could have lived this dance forever
But now who's gonna dance with me
Please stay...

-WHAM-

only thing that there wasn't any disloyalty..but only dishonesty 

a plead to god

Dear God,

what did i do to have deserve my stupidity?
why did i have to crush his heart?
what did he do to deserve this pain?

give him the strength to stand up again
give him the courage to fight against the pain
give him the life he plans to build
give him the love that he deserves

show him my regrets and flaws
show him my weaknesses and falls
show him how sincere i am
so sorry to have kept and lied

i can't go on..
i can't hold on..
i can't survive...
i can't live...without you

i need you. i love you..too much. please.

yours sincerely.

Sweet, sweet child of mine

it was ten years ago..
i still remembered clearly when our eyes met.
you were silent..
you were in fear..
i held you close..
you felt secured...
i knew you were the one to start a new chapter in my life.

watching you grow was like the plot in my chapters.
watching you grow was never like any other
you were different..
you were special..
you were the closest to my heart - family.

like a mother's worry,
when you were missing..
when you were gone...
when you were hurt...
when you were sick..
but i know you were strong.

ten years later..
when you were missing..
when you were gone..
when you were hurt..
and when you were sick..
you were no longer strong.

and now,
our eyes did not meet.
you were silent..
you were in fear..
i couldn't held you close..
i couldn't say goodbye..
and so this is the ending of the chapter in my life.

it will be hard to let go..
for ten years is a very long time..

Fester...